Lost Happiness

Before I met my wife, I felt moments of true, 100% happiness, only to find out that she made me happier than anything I had known. Then Artemis was born and again, my maximum happiness expanded beyond what I previously could have imagined.

Now, I have known and lost that joy. I know what 100% happiness feels like. I also feel like I will never experience that again. Anything that could happen in my life cannot out-weigh the pain and sadness that is with me at all times. The intensity varies, it comes and goes, and there is of course the joy of having known Artemis mixed in with the sorrow. But I fear I will never be truly, thoroughly happy again. I don't think that is necessarily wrong or unexpected. It is not something to be fixed. It is just a fact (or what I think is a fact in these early stages of grief) of having and losing a child.

Currently, I think my maximum happiness is around 60%. This is when I am with the friends and family I love. I am even temporarily able to distract myself and not focus on the loss for short amounts of time. But when I laugh, it never truly feels like I let go. I tell jokes and make others laugh, but it often feels half-hearted and I definitely don't like to make people laugh as much as I used to. I used to feel at home in most family gatherings. Now I frequently feel uncomfortable or out of place. I get easily overwhelmed.

It doesn't mean I don't want to be there. Sometimes those situations help ease the pain. But if I leave early, if I seem quiet or not myself, it is because I am not the person I once was. There is a new barrier to part of that person which I think will always be there. I can't see myself ever breaking past 80%, maybe 90% of what I know true happiness to be. Even that will only be achievable with time and a lot of self care.