An Empty Birthday

Artemis would be 3 years old today. I am writing this at the beginning of the day so I do not fully know what emotions lie in wait. I know there will be sadness as well as some joyful memories, possibly anger and frustration. But there is also a numbness that sometimes takes hold, drowning out all other emotions. Tomorrow or the next week or weeks may bring an array of those emotions as well. I have been told multiple times that the day itself is not as hard as the anticipation of the day and the let down that follows after the day is done.

For the past few weeks, Kallie and I find ourselves wondering what Artemis would be doing now, as a 3-year-old. How fast would he be running? How big would his sentences be? What would be his favorite show or book? How would he be getting along with his cousins? What hilarious opinions would he be offering? These can be a comfort to think about until I realize that none of these questions will ever have an answer.

We would frequently say one of our favorite parts of parenthood is the anticipation of what your child will do next. What part of the world do they have yet to discover, and what can you do to help them find their way? Artemis was robbed of that opportunity and we were robbed of the opportunity to watch him embrace each new discovery.

We will be spending part of the day with family, remembering all that Artemis was and what he still means to all of us. Then I'm sure Kallie and I will need some time to ourselves, either to process our emotions or just to be numb in each other's arms. Whatever emotions the day or the rest of this week or month bring, we are trying to remember to let them all come. Good or bad, painful or comforting, they are all part of what we must go through in order to process this unfathomable reality of our lives.

Whoever Artemis would be now, I am positive we would have loved him even more than at his second birthday. And I am positive that he would still have his unwavering sense of adventure.